Reevaluating? This sucks!

Hello! This blog post is probably going to be pretty boring for everyone who is not me, but I'm really just trying to figure some things out for myself. So I'm writing about it...because that's what I do.

Ok, so for a pretty long time now, I've been SURE that I want to go into publishing. I've mostly wanted to be a literary agent. Everyone tells me that this is a TERRIBLE idea because the book is dying and whatever, but I have REFUSED to listen. I tell myself (and them) that they're wrong and that I can make it if I work hard enough. And honestly, I think that I could.

But I've been interning at my university's press. And it's really fun! I've learned loads, and everyone is really nice and they're MY KIND OF PEOPLE (book people). And we've had presentations from different people, and they've been really interesting and awesome and stuff. But then I look around. A university press is pretty much the MOST RELAXED publishing place you can find because they are funded by the university. Therefore, they don't have to worry AS MUCH about making profits. But they still have to worry about it because a board votes on if proposed books should be published. And even without the uber-stress of profits that the more commercial publishing houses have, the people at the press are pretty stressed. And then I read Daphne Unfeasible's (Maureen Johnson's agent) blog and tweets, and it seems like she is CONSTANTLY WORKING OR THINKING ABOUT HER JOB. Which is cool as long as you ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR JOB MORE THAN ANYTHING. But it seems like her job LITERALLY never stops. And I'm not sure that I want that for myself.

One reason is that I've never wanted to BE my job. Like, I don't want that to DEFINE me as a person...to define my worth and my thoughts and my everything. I mean, I obviously want to LOVE my job, but I don't want to BE my job. There's such a difference to me. I don't know if anyone else sees that distinction like I do, but the point is that I do.

Another reason is that I REALLY want to have a family. I've known for a really long time that I want to be a mother. I mean, I'm not going to pull a random guy of the street to marry and start a family with, but I do want kids a lot. Like, even if I never find the right guy for me (I don't plan on settling for a loser just because I want children), I would want to adopt or get pregnant or something. And I know that probably goes completely against everything feminist or whatever, but I really love kids and raising PEOPLE would make me so happy. I mean, even playing a small role in my cousins' growing up makes me really happy. But anyway, having kids and REALLY being a mother (like being there for my kids all the time) would be really hard if I decided to do publishing. I want to have time for my kids. A lot of time for my kids. I'm not saying that I don't want a job...I absolutely do. But I want to be able to put my kids first without jeopardizing my career, and I don't think I could do that in publishing.

Next, I don't know if I actually WANT to do publishing. Like I've had it in my head for so long, and lately I've been sort of stubbornly CLINGING to it. Like I keep with it because I don't want to quit and feel like a flake (or LOOK like a flake to all of the people that I've assured that I CAN DO IT). Even when I see that it's maybe not the career for me, I just sort of close my eyes and turn my head away (in my brain...like in my thoughts...it's complicated). And it's funny because it's the same thing that I've accused other people of doing, and I've been so upset with them. Like my friend who has ALWAYS said that she wants to be a doctor but would be THE PERFECT special ed teacher. But that's beside the point. The point is that I want to look at myself HONESTLY, not through the lense of what other people will think if I change my mind.

Finally, there's writing time to consider. I'm a sucky writer. I know this. But I discovered in November (while not finishing NaNoWriMo...but I will, seriously!) that I REALLY LOVE IT. And I want to have time for it in my future. And with working in publishing, I would have little or no time to do it. It's just a fact. And I want desperately to have time for it.

So I'm almost ready to admit that I don't want to do publishing. But I have several fears.

1) I fear the unknown. As in, I don't know what I would do if I DID NOT do publishing. I've been saying it for so long, and now I'm just going to GIVE IT UP? What will I DO? I mean, I've already started down that PATH. I'm double majoring in marketing and English. And I've pretty much only taken general education courses, but it would still be such a huge CHANGE. I would have to change majors and courses and advisors and plans and lists and what I want to be what I grow up. And I seriously hate change.

2) I think this is probably my biggest fear: I fear wasting my potential. This is going to sound SERIOUSLY CONCEITED, but I know that I'm smart. Like, I just am. I'm not a genius or anything, but I could pretty much succeed in going into whatever I wanted to go into. I mean, it sounds terrible to say (and I feel bad saying it), but I am smart. Some people are pretty or nice, and I am intelligent. So if I decide to do something LESS than what I CAN do, does that make me terrible? Does it mean that I'm letting myself down? Giving up on myself and my potential? Does it mean that I'm letting other people down? Oh, and this has always been a fear for me. Like when I decided that I did NOT want to be a doctor (that was my thing BACK IN THE DAY), I was so scared that I would be wasting my potential in not doing that. Like, I would be giving up saving someone potentially because I didn't think being a doctor would SUIT me. It just seemed really selfish. But then I convinced myself that healing people physically is not the ONLY way that you can help people.

3) I've already covered this a bit, but I'm afraid of what other people will think. Will my family and friends be disappointed? Will I be disappointed later in my life??

Ok, so with all this uncertainty, I think that I should list some things that I know. Just to sort of make up for this. So, things I know:

1) I want my job to put me around awesome books. I love books, and I would hate it if my job didn't include them somehow.

2) I want to INFLUENCE other people to read amazing books through my job. Whether it's getting a book published or marketing it or just recommending it to ONE PERSON, I want someone to get that feeling of reading ONE OF THE AWESOME ONES because of me. You know what I'm saying, right? There's that thing where you find one of those books that you know you'll love forever. You'll read it over and over because you CAN'T HELP IT. That is probably my favorite feeling in the world (finding one of those books). And I want to help other people to feel it as often as I can.

3) Already covered BUT I want a family, and I want to BE THERE for my family.

4) I want to feel useful. I hate it when no one needs me, you know? Like I'm not necessary. Whether it's not necessary that I'm working somewhere or it's not necessary for me to be alive...the first can feel like the second sometimes.

5) I want...NO NEED...to have a plan soon. Partly because being without one makes me feel SO LOST and partly because I am in college already. I don't have forever to decide on this like I did back in high school.

So there you have it! I am reevaluating my life, and here you are, privy to the details! Oh, and you might ask what I would consider INSTEAD of working at a publishing place. WELl, so far I have thought of either being a school librarian OR being a teacher. And I am open to suggestions, of course.

I am sorry for this! This probably should have been a journal entry, now that I think about it. But I've already typed it, so it's going up.